these are just random ways in which i'm thinking about you, and sometimes, not enough, i'm running to write them down
i have this funny memory, when you came here, and showered, and then you opened the door and we were talking while you were wiping the floor. i can't remember if you were wearing cloths or just a towel, i just remember i thought it was cute, and i wanted to tell you "you don't need to wipe, it's fine", but i also thought it would be weird because someone needs to wipe. i think about this moment everytime i wipe the shower's floor.
the whole "let's act as if we're together" didn't work so well when we first met. it never really worked well even afterwards. i never knew if it's okay to kiss you. before i left i started having this thought, that maybe i should act already as if i left a little before i actually leave. like, give you a letter. tell you a few last words. maybe then you'll think i'm worthy and decide to spend the last night with me, or even to stay in touch. it sucks to understand things when there's nothing to do about it anymore, and in a strange way i thought i can fool us that i'm leaving before it actually happens so you could say "don't leave".
i think what saves my heart through these days is that i'm very lucky to be enough appreciative of myself to feel that if you don't feel like me regarding "let's spend all the time in the world together", it's probably because it's not the best use of my time either. that if you're okay with losing me than i shouldn't be so sad about losing you either.
i thought it was funny that you're the oldest person i met on tinder, and you're by far the person that made me feel the youngest. it's not because young people make me feel old... it's because something about our ability to discuss things like falling from the sky on someone's head sends me back to magical conversations and connections i had with people only as a teenager. many of these magical people, with years, something about their spark got hidden by so many other things. with you i feel like we're both sandpapering each other, revealing more and more of that hidden spark. i love when you sandpaper me and i love sandpapering you.
this is about the Sufjan Stevens song. i didn't like it very much the first few times i heard it. it was too cheerful i guess. the first time i really "met" the song was when i came back to stockholm, walking to the storage place to pick up my stuff. i felt everything in my life was a huge mess. i'm going to pick up my stuff in a foreign country to a new apartment in a place where i don't have many friends, and even the message with the code to the storage place is in a language i don't understand. but walking there with the song, i suddently felt like i could see this whole thing for a completely different perspective. i started feeling almost pround for being in this funny situation, on one hand groudless and the other hand working so hard to create myself a ground. when i went there today, to put my stuff back in storage, i listened to the song again, the whole walk. i think about you now often when i hear it. when he sings "show me the things that you believe in", i think about your weird beliefes in stars and and spirits, and about how, coming from your mouth, they sound interesting and fun to me. i also sometimes feel that you have an issue with the idea of loving yourself. almost as if you don't believe your worth, no matter how many times you hear it, or perhaps that you don't deserve something good. when i listen to the song i'm telling you without telling you, to love yourself. i see so many reasons to believe in yourself.